Proper Pattaya

Pattaya, the Sodom and Gomorrah of Thailand, is the first stop for old white men in their quest for cheap escorts and beer. Or is it? Though the seediness that gives Pattaya its reputation still exists, these days there are more and more opportunities for some clean fun, from grape picking to a creepy house of wax.

The Great Outdoors

Only a few minutes from Central Pattaya, the Pattaya Floating Market (Talad Nam Si Pak, 451/304 Moo 12, Sukhumvi Rd., Pattaya, 038-706-340, www.pattayafloatingmarket.com) recently opened on an old, abandoned pond. Custom-built for tourists in search of a slice of the old Thailand, its four sections represent the kingdom’s four regions: North, Central, Northeast and South. Each region sells its own food, from Isaan somtam to sai-oua sausage from the North.

For a European day trip, head to the 10-year-old Silverlake Vineyard (same entrance as Khao Chee Chan Buddha Mountain, 31/62 Moo 7, Na Jomtian, Pattaya, Chonburi, 038-938-250, www.silverlakethai.com), 20 minutes from downtown Pattaya. Go Sideways with a stroll through the vineyard and a visit to the winery while enjoying the 1,500 rai of beautiful rolling hills surrounding a lake.

We recommend renting a bicycle, but the lazy can opt for an ATV. Admission is free.

Bang For Your Baht

The beachfront Central Festival Pattaya Beach (Pattaya Beach Rd., between Soi 9-10, 038-930-999, www.centralpattana.co.th) has the same brands as every other mall but the sea views are pretty unique. Every Friday sees the front square host Indie in Town, the same flea market concept as Bangkok's CentralWorld, where teenagers and young adults come to sell their quirky merchandise. It pales in comparison to the original, but, hey, you're on holiday, right?

For something a bit more offbeat, try your luck at Naklua Walking Street, which runs from the front of the Government Savings Bank to Saphan Yao (Pattaya-Naklua Rd.). Every weekend from 2pm-10pm, this century-old local market becomes a more civilized walking street, offering local merchandise and street food, from vintage toys to T-shirts and deep fried chicken to mango salad.

Real or Fake?

For kicks without the ping pong balls, there's always Ripley’s (2/F, Royal Garden Plaza, 218 Moo 10 Beach Rd., 038-710-294/8. Open daily 11am-11pm), though we've been told that it's not a "real" Ripley’s Believe it or Not. But that’s not the only fake in Pattaya. Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks (2/F, Royal Garden Plaza, 218 Moo 10 Beach Rd., 038-710-294/8. Open daily 11am-11pm.) is banking on the fame of the real deal Madame Tussaud, but is not affiliated with the London wax museum. One visit, and this will be painfully clear to you. Tata Young looks like she’s 200 years old.

Where to Sleep

Recognised as one of Pattaya’s most outstanding and established properties, the Siam Bayshore Resort & Spa is nestled in 20 acres of lush, tranquil greenery. Guests enjoy an exclusive location on the peaceful southern end of Pattaya’s world-famous Beach Road. Twelve low-rise pavilions comprise the resort, including seven bars and restaurants, two swimming pools (garden & beach), children’s playground, games room, six tennis courts, fitness centre, meeting rooms and Lotus Spa of Siam. Rates are from Bht 3,900 including taxes and breakfast.

The Siam Bayview Hotel epitomises the best in beachfront boutique living. Steps away from all the fun on lively Beach Road, the 250-room hotel fuses together a relaxing tropical seaside holiday and vibrant city living. A world of stylish and artistic comfort awaits you in thus sumptuous, modern and relaxing hotel. Best of all it’s located right next door to Asia’s largest beachfront shopping complex – CentralFestival. The Siam Bayview Hotel is an oasis of calm amid the hurly-burly of Pattaya. Rates are from Bht 3,200 without taxes and breakfast.

How to get there

Bus: Large buses leave from Ekamai Bus Terminal (BTS Ekamai) every hour and take about 1.5-2 hours. They run from roughly 5am-8pm and cost around Bht 150-200.

Vans: You can get a mini-van (16 seats) from Century Movie Plaza beside BTS Victory Monument (just up the road from Siam City Hotel). Only Bht 120 for a single trip (discounts for students) taking 1.5 hours.

 

Lotus Spa of Siam

What I really love about massages, is that for one fleeting hour (or 90 minutes or more in some case) you can totally give yourself up both physically and mentally to something utterly divine. Phone off, worries set aside, to-do list expunged and focus on one, and only one, thing... relaxation. I first discovered massages when I was living in China and have been an addict every since.

So... on my recent trip to Pattaya I took it upon myself to check out the Siam Bayshore Resort & Spa’s fabulous Lotus Spa of Siam, which is located amid the folds of the resort’s magnificent and captivating 20 acres of lush gardens. The Spa is actually a series of small bungalows (catering for 1-2 people) connected by raised wooden walkways traversing the lagoon.

After perusing the extensive menu – they offer about 50 different massage (foot, back) and body treatments (facial, wrap, scrub) – I decided to opt for their most “popular” service, the Avatar Massage (Bht 2,640++), which is 1.5hrs of pure bliss. This session is a mix of aromatic and traditional massage styles, with a heavy emphasis on total relaxation, rejuvenation and relief of all aches and pains. Next time think I’ll give the Purest Thai herbal & Honey Body Wrap, Coffee-Coconut Body Scrub, Foot Pampering Massage or Deep Cleansing Facial a go.

I must admit that this was my first ever Thai massage. Despite being in Thailand 5 months I always find myself turning to my trusty old Chinese/oil massage out of familiarity. Today I decided to mix things up and go for the local thing. Lo and behold – it’s wonderful!!!! Far from being a painful, contortionist experience, it’s actually quite refreshing and nice to have your arms and legs manipulated in strange ways and having a 50kg lady sit on your back and slap you around!

For those of you not familiar with oriental massage, let me elucidate: you start with a shower, then it’s straight into pummelling your back, bum and shoulders, quickly followed by legs and feet, then arms and stomach, and finally head and face. Masseuses are generally very good at what they do and can usually sniff out a sore muscle or tightly-wound knot, but if you have any specific are you want worked on, don’t be afraid to tell them. Likewise if the massage is too soft or too firm, they can easily and happily adjust. But just remember the old maxim: no pain, no gain! So don’t be a softie, opt for a firm, rigorous massage (if you can stand it!) and reap the benefits the following day.

Getting there: The gardens are located inside the Siam Bayshore Resort & Spa. For more info, go to www.siamhotels.com/siambayshore/spa-en.html.

Explorer Museum

Although I had heard all sorts of wonderful things before going, I was unprepared for just how cool the Siam Bayshore Resort & Spa’s Explorer Bar & Lounge really is. This uniquely designed and fitted out bar is a veritable mini-museum. I was able to leisurely examine up-close a painstakingly collected array of precious antiques, artefacts, sunken treasure, ancient relics, old maps, curios, exploring equipment and paraphernalia from around Asia and the globe.

The bar, or “museum” is it’s referred too in-house, is the brainchild of Kamala Sukosol, president of Siam Hotels & Resorts, and her youngest son, Krissada ‘Noi’ Sukosol Clapp, best known as front man of the iconic Thai brand Pru and winner of a Best Actor award for his critically acclaimed performance in the film “13”. What the owners have done is create a magical and enchanting world, a time capsule if you like, juxtaposed to the hurly-burly of modern-day Pattaya. To my mind, this is the kind the establishment where you can truly step back in time to relive a bygone era when travel was a real adventure and intrepid men and women traversed the oceans blue in search of distant and exotic lands...

An unbelievable plethora of curios from around the globe are on display. Of particular interest are Thai daily household tools and belongings, along with sunken treasures from China and Ayutthaya, Thailand’s ancient capital city. Furniture and ornaments take pride of place, such as a 1920s Sino-Thai herbal medicine cabinet, baskets from Mozambique, Tanzanian fabrics, vintage weaponry, magnifying glasses made of horn and ivory, Naga tribal spears, Burmese antique mah jong tables and a Thai pushcart used to sell fabrics. More curios artefacts include vintage cameras, Vietnamese stamps, a forest tiger’s skull, volcanic rock from Bali, medicine ‘tubes’ from Java and a cane made from snake bone. There are (of course) essentials for ship travel too: an English deep-sea diver’s mask, a cast iron chest, a naval telescope and compass. Lastly, there is a canal boat from Thailand’s famous Floating Market. Bangkok was once dubbed as the ‘Venice’ of South-East Asia and such a boat was very much a part of everyday life, selling everything from fresh market food to clothing, toys and whiskey.

Ships that sank in the South China Sea are also of particular interest because many of them were sailing on the Marine Silk Road, carrying wondrous bounties from China. These shipwrecks are veritable time capsules giving us a picture of life in a bygone era. Perhaps the most famous of all is the Nanking cargo which attracted worldwide media attention when it was auctioned by Christies Amsterdam in 1986. The Geldermalsen set sail in 1751, loaded down with 160,000 pieces of porcelain, tea, raw silk, textiles and gold ingots. Sadly, just 16 days after setting sail it hit a reef and sank in the South China Sea. The cargo was recovered and sold two hundred and thirty four years later! At the Explorer Bar you can view the remnants of similar great wrecks, such as the Binh Thuan, Ca Mau and Vung Tau, ranging from the 14-18th century.
More than even a museum and bar, the Explorer is a cosy and inviting lounge (open 9:00 am – 1:00 am daily) where you can just sit-back and relax with a beverage or snack [my tasty sabai-sabai cocktail set me back Bht 190++ and generous club sandwich Bht 195++]; play a few rounds of pool; try your hand at a board game (connect four, chess, checkers); watch sports on the flat screen TV or snuggle up with a good book [an extensive library of books and magazine is on offer]. Best of all, the bar has a great daily ‘Happy Hour’ from 5:30 to 7:30 pm, with a very tipple-worthy ‘buy one get one free’ offer.

To end, I defer to a more eloquent writer, Ping Amranand, an internationally renowned Thai photographer:

“Entering the Explorer Bar & Lounge is like taking a step back into nostalgia, to an era of the gentleman’s club, where in dimly lit corners one can expect to find dusty travellers – gin fizz in hand – regaling each other with stories of their latest adventure.”